The Sea Could Not Keep Me
With hidden wounds and stories untold
A tale of pain that takes hold
There are too many people like me, many unfamiliar faces I have yet to know.
You are not alone
Voices in her head are getting louder. Downing deeper, "save me" was all she could say as she lost herself in the sea. Before she could do anything, she looked around at her paper-thin arms and skinny legs, as if someone had sketched something unwanted with a dry marker. She was fading. She opened her eyes, taking deep breaths. Another nightmare. Her alarm blared, like it was demanding that she get up and stop feeling useless. Seraphina Miller had once laughed easily and spoken whatever came to mind, until life slowly stole that version of her. She looked around, wondering if she had woken up from a nightmare or had just stepped into one. She turned off her alarm and kept looking at her Persian green colored wall filled with photo frames of her younger self, thinking about her nightmares that felt too close to home because she knew they were fragments of a past that refused to stay buried.
Walking down the cold street, every face seemed to hide a secret, a lie or a story better left untold. This is not a place where everything is colored roses or talking daisies. No one seemed worthy of trust. Taking a sip of her warm tea, she searched for herself among strangers, a boy burdened by expectations, a girl chasing a future she could call her own, a child still untouched by life's weight. Everywhere she looked, adults carried broken pieces glued together in the wrong places, because we had to be fast to be in line of life; those dreams that were once bright are now dimmed and frail. But they are smiling and moving forward, and she felt like only her time had stopped.
The cold classroom reminded her of four years ago, when she overheard her closest friends speaking badly about her behind her back. She questioned herself who could she trust when on the inside they are all wondering when she was going to shut, and that's exactly what she did "stay shut and it's all good, speak up and water overflowed...Why do I always spill?".
As Seraphina zoned back in, she realized that the class was over, she packed her stuff and left. While walking through the grounds, she heard someone calling her "Seraphina" She turned to look and saw her fellow mates from literature class, and among them her only friend Aurora, calling her, "You want to hang out with us at the old bookstore? They are giving out some free books today as well," said Aurora, hoping she will say yes. "I'm sorry, I've got some stuff at home today, but I'll catch up with you guys later," Seraphina apologized and left. Aurora watched Seraphina leave, wishing she knew how to help.
While walking down the wet street after a drizzle of rain, Seraphina knew she shouldn't have said no, but she also knew that she won't be able to socialize as they wanted her to, that's how it’s been since she lost her grandpa 3 months ago. Her grandpa has always been her comfort zone, always loving her even when she'll feel unloved or unworthy to live, and when she was betrayed by her best friends, he told her,
"Sweetheart, you shouldn't be sad by this because you haven't met all the people you have yet to meet and you haven't lived all your good days yet. People will come and go, but if you keep on hurting yourself only because some friends did not understand what a gem you are, you will miss all your good days. It's okay to feel hurt, but you will find your people one day, and you will realize you're worth living".
She believed him. She rebuilt her life, found Aurora, and thought she had healed, until her grandfather died a month after her nineteenth birthday. Every old wound returned, her world became darker like her nightmares, and all she thought she had healed from came back to her. The feelings of being unloved and betrayed returned, pulling her back into the ocean of unspoken emotions. She wouldn't talk with her family or Aurora.
Back in her room she looked at herself in the mirror "and who loves the broken ones who doesn't seem too easy to mend...maybe no one" suddenly she felt her chest tightening so she took her wallet and went out for a walk.
While walking down the road her eyes fell on a small bookstore it seems newly opened Seraphina looked at the name board "Hidden Shelves" she wondered why would someone name their bookstore hidden shelves. She entered inside and saw an old man, maybe in his early 50s, who was cleaning some rare special edition books like these were his most valuable treasures. The bookstore smelled of old paper and polished wood, every shelf arranged with care. She started looking around the books. The shopkeeper noticed and asked her
"Are you looking for any specific book, miss?"
Seraphina looked at him and stuttered a little while answering, "Yes...no, I'm just looking around”
The old shopkeeper nodded, understanding her, but then a question slipped out of her mouth before she could stop herself.
"Why did you name this store Hidden Shelves? "
He smiled politely from behind the counter before answering, "Well, I believe that every book on the shelf holds hidden meanings or secrets waiting for a reader to understand"
Seraphina nodded, but he could feel the wheels turning in her head and then she questioned again
"What if a reader does not understand the book or its meanings… what then?"
The shopkeeper stopped cleaning his books and looked at her still polite, he replied
"Well, the irony is that some criticize some stories inside a book while others love it, and a book needs to wait for a reader that understands its hidden meanings or it becomes a topic for others with different interests to judge. However, that doesn't mean that the ones who are judging are bad people they just have a different perspective. Don't you agree?”
Seraphina fell silent. His words sounded painfully familiar. Maybe her old friends hadn't hated her, they simply hadn't understood her. Unlike her grandfather, who always understood her. Unlike Aurora, who never judged her. Unlike the classmates who had quietly respected her voice. She looked at the old man and nodded,
“Yes, I agree with you"
He brought out a book with golden spines and held it towards her
"You know a writer once told me that for books they have to wait for a reader to open and read them but us Humans can talk, to share with the ones we trust and we should really use that"
His words hit home. She knew he was right. She had people who cared. Maybe it was time to let them in. She took the book he was holding towards her
"So, miss is there anything else you're interested in buying?" said the shopkeeper.
Seraphina politely smiled after so long and spoke "I think you have already given me what I needed”.
The shopkeeper nodded. "Well, I'm happy I helped" then suddenly a customer called him looking for a book.
Seraphina looked at the grandfather clock behind where the shopkeeper was standing showing the time 5 pm.
She stepped out of the store, she looked at the beautiful sky that didn't seem too dark now, sun was setting giving the sky different shades of orange. She walked back home and entered the living room. Her mom was waiting for her, sitting on the sofa with Seraphina's favorite chocolate chip cookies and tea. She hugged her mom and buried her face in her shoulder. Seraphina was home. Her mother hugged her back and whispered in her ears
"Someone's here to see you" Seraphina looked at her mother in confusion, and as she looked behind her, she saw Aurora holding Seraphina's favorite snacks, and with her stood Luna and Aaron from her literature class, smiling at her softly.
"We thought we could watch Whisper of the Heart (1995) together. I remember you mentioned liking it once." said Aaron, which shocked Seraphina because she never thought anyone ever cared enough to listen to her, let alone remember what she likes. She smiled and replied, looking at them all,
"I would love that” and Seraphina realized she's not alone and there are people like her, readers who can understand her. After so long, Seraphina couldn't wait to write in her diary.
"Dear Grandpa,
I managed to swim out of the water.
It can't drown me anymore.
I'll heal from day by day.
Or maybe year by year
Because who said it's a small process
I wish you were here to see me grow.
I miss you
My life is worth living.
I am worth loving "